just because...

i wanted to blog...just because.

im riding on one a those emotional roller coasters

they sukk, bad :(

im happy...

im sad...

i just wanted to say.... well hell, i dont know what i wanted to say. i have a headache and i dont really know how i feel anymore, getting online tommorrow just to talk to him

i have new pics just havent gotten around to posting...

which NO, isnt like me at all...but then im not myself today...or anyday for that matter.


i keep looking around the room, trying to find something to say to you people and im not getting anything...so i guess ima go to bed, ilyilyily becasue you cant ever say it enough...

(iN oTHer NewS: still have bout 100 bucks to go to finish kaevyans party supply list... kaevyan is now trying to run and trips over his own feet daily :) lol. im laughing more and crying less and i take that as a good sign. im kinda bakk. not all the way but im getting there. im going to the dr tommorrow to talk to him about the aneimia...and it turns out i am human... :(awe man)[lol] so that means i do make mistakes but ive learned that once something is said, you cant just take it bakk. which is why im forgiving him and letting it go...for good. since im human i also know that i say things alot and sometimes i want to go bakk but this time im pretty sure im done lol...i need to focus on what i can do to make my son have the best life...im a pretty good mommy i must admit...am kinda down in my social life. i feel that slippin away again...dont know if that makes me happy or what??)

anyways goodnight people. ily and i lovelovelove my son. leave me love :)

sometimes i smile...for you

You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes

You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile
* my son is my best friend. he makes me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a sunday night. He makes me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee. just the thought of him drives me wild. My son makes me smile*

-Xa'Kaevyan, carry my heart. take care of it because its yours. as hard as i try...ill never be the PERFECT mom. but just the simple fact that i try is more than most. Your mommys baby boy, now and forever. when i hear this song, i think of you and the things i do for you. like dance with you at night to get you tired, sing to you, even though i dont sing in front of anyone. the way you push me outa the bed in the morning cause darn it, your ready to get up. the bubbly baths when you pick the scent.

and believe it or not, the manymanymany things you do for me. Everything about you, the funny 4 teeth smile, the kisses, when you try to blow on my belly like i do yours, the way you run away when youve put toliet paper in your mouth and i chase after you and you fall down and try to cover your face and hide. the way you run from the vaccum cleaner when i turn it on. crawling under chairs to get to the computer cord to cut off the computer when you think i should pay attention to you (attention hog lol) the way you sit on my lap, grab my face and actually have conversations with me. the way you eat your sucker, and then put it on my nose when you want to share.

i love you so much. your the greatest. i cant believe your already 1 (in 19 days) and its really already been a year. im happy that we have made it so far and there will be manymanymany more birthdays to share with me. but in a way, im sad. im scared to realize that one day you will be a grown man...and ill be old...

mommy loves her facers right now, cause who knows how long your gunna be my facers, i know oone day your gunna want me to call you by your name or some crazy nickname your friends will give you...but you will always be mommas face.

love, mom

im...sorry

blogged about life these days. between deciding what to do for my son and working to get stuff for him and losing my pepa, and all the crazy other junk, crap, shit in my life. i havent been a very good Tyasia...

update on Kaevyan: he is a runner, and i think he may write with his left hand and do everything else, with his right. he is big on kisses nowadays and i think he is obsessed with Jacob :)

update on me:
everything lately has me struggling. getting up in the morning (if it was for kaevyan beating me in the face and his kisses i wouldnt) and going to bed at night...its like a constant torture. i dont have anyone to talk to about how i really feel. because if i open up, then i feel like everyone is judging me. there is no one who understands and everyone who thinks they do. i just...dont feel like me....

i dont feel depressed but i feel...like im not Tyasia...im not happy. im having to try really hard just to keep from crying in all my spare moments. everything hurts, every word, people, the things they say... things that can never be taken back. and i felt like i finally had someone to talk to but they dissappeared. im confused and i get mad at everything, things i usually laugh at, now i cry. its like ppd all over again but for no reason.

i feel...lonley. i feel strong sometimes, and i know im a good mother, but then things happen, people say things, they show you who they really are...and i feel like nobody. i know i know. my son thinks im somebody. my son loves me, he is my one and only i love him more than ANYTHING ELSE on the planet. and sometimes i feel as if, my life is perfect. theres nothing wrong. no problems, no insecurities, no bad blood, no nothing. but then all the memories come back and i feel a peice of me break each time.

im am so sick and so tired of breaking...everyone else gets to be happy...

so where the hell is my happy ending?

how???

how???
so the other night i posted about how my bed almost caught fire with my son and i still in it... was it a sign from god. id think yes, others no...heres how it happened...



well i was getting ready for bed, kaevyan was already asleep and i was getting the blankets ready for bed, im always cold at night so i sleep with the electric blanket and when its on it has a little orange light that comes on ...well i had everything set up and i was just plugging the end cord into the blanket and i saw this little orange spark come from within the cord/plug part and at first i thought it was just the orange on light so i was gunna ignore it and go to bed but instead something told me to go ahead and unplug it, so i unpluged it and tried to re-plug it until i realized its was a spark that had caught a little flame on the end of the bed so i quickly got up and put it out...and to think if i wouldave ignored the little voice in my head...i might not be here right now...

why i do it...

yes, my son will be one next month. yes i am planning on continuing to breastfeed. no it doesnt bother me. what? it bothers you??? well thats too damn bad.

why i breastfeed: no i wasnt breastfed, but when i first got pregnant i knew breastfeeding was for me, didnt have any weird feelings about it, its just what had to happen. from the get-go all i got were negative reactions, and sarcastic tones. but i ignored my audience and went with what i knew would be the right thing...

i didnt know what to expect when kaevyan had his first feeding. but i know i didnt expect it to be so painful. but he caught on quickly and baby boy and i established the most amazing bond that i never wouldave expected to go this far...

back when i didnt have a clue about life and how hard it is being a single young mom, if you told me i was going to breastfeed straight through the entire first year, i wouldave laughed and called you crazy, yet here i am, one month away from the first year and now im fighting to explain to everyone why im NOT STOPPING at 1 year.

i could throw a bunch of studies and statistics and things like that at you...but no matter what the benefits are, over all. i am breastfeeding my son because its what he wants and its what i want and he isnt ready to have no more yums and im not ready to break that bond. and i dont care that i need to let go, and i dont care that he is getting too big, and i dont care that he has teeth and can eat table food and drink from a sippy, and i dont care that you think im a bad mom because you think bfing beyond 1 year is just a sickening form of child abuse.

bfing is a beautiful, selfless, innocent, precious bond that only a mother and her child can share, and its not up to ANYONE to say, you should stop because of this many reasons...its not up to you. its up to my son. and me

so i commend the moms (excpecailly the young moms) who fight through the negative comments and the stares and the hurtful condesending words and actions of others, i commend those of you who know exactly what bfing is and love it, it makes you proud. nevernevernver be ashamed of the fact you breastfeed. never run and hide, never. Breastfeeding is a natural part of life...and i will be so happy when americans finally realize that...

there and there

Are you nursing a baby over 12 months old and feeling that you have to justify why you are still breastfeeding a child who can walk and talk? Do you feel under pressure to wean your child from the breast? Are you questioning your own reasons for continuing to breastfeed? How can you handle criticism of your parenting choices?

Choosing to do things differently from other mothers who initiate weaning earlier demands courage, self-assurance, and a good support system. Early weaning is the norm in countries where breastfeeding is regarded mainly as a source of nutrition. Many people are uncomfortable seeing mothers breastfeeding children because they regard breasts as sexual objects, and frown upon nursing in public. If you are a breastfeeding mother of a toddler get support wherever you can find it.

If you are encountering criticism from relatives or friends, their concerns may likely stem from their own parenting experiences or lack of knowledge about breastfeeding. Try not to feel attacked; these are people who care about you. Listen to what they have to say and acknowledge their concerns. Remember you are under no obligation to make them change their mind. Let them know that you have given the subject much thought but express your feelings about wanting what is best for your child positively rather than by attacking theirs.

Handling Criticism for Continuing to Breastfeed
If someone criticizes you for continuing to breastfeed your toddler consider:
Acknowledging in a noncommittal fashion what the person is saying, for example, “Thank you. I’ll remember that.”
Walking away or changing the subject.
Sharing information by referring to books or articles on extended nursing.
Making a joke about the situation, not about the other person.
Empathising to demonstrate that you understand how the other person is feeling.
Advantages for Mother Continuing to Breastfeed
Breastfeeding is frequently blamed if a mother is stressed or tired, yet there are many benefits to continuing to breastfeed, including:
Relaxing effects. Breastfeeding suppresses the nervous system’s hormonal response to stress helping you to calm down.
A few guaranteed moments to rest each day. You can count on breastfeeding to provide a few opportunities to put your feet up and hug your little one.
Decreased risk of disease. There is convincing evidence that breastfeeding protects against disease including the risk of breast cancer and osteoporosis.
Lactational Amenorrhea. The natural infertility experienced while breastfeeding. Some women going two years or longer without menstruating and its physical and emotional issues.

Advantages for Toddlers Continuing to Breastfeed
Your milk maintains its nutritional value and confers emotional benefits too.
Immune system. It takes between two and six years for a child’s immune system to fully mature. Human milk continues to complement and boost the immune system for as long as it is offered, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics "Policy Statement on Breastfeeding and the Use of Human Milk" Pediatrics 1997; 100(6): 1035-39.
Oral development. Breastfeeding provides a natural outlet for non-nutritive sucking that promotes proper oral development, which has been found to improve speech, according to Davis, D. et al. "Infant Feeding Practices and occlusal outcomes a longitudinal study"J Can Dent Assoc 1991; 57(7):593-594.

Cognitive development. Breastfeeding helps your child reach his full potential.
Comfort. Don’t underestimate the importance of loving touch. You can’t spoil a child by giving him affection.
Self-Esteem. Responsive mothering is an expression of trust that helps your child feel good about himself.
Children all outgrow the need to breastfeed. It’s normal and healthy for toddlers to breastfeed but all mothers and babies are different and there is no one correct age to wean. Be clear about what you want and what works for your family. Remember this is your child and your decision.

...she took them

apparently a kiss means nothing...

so i knew this girl and we werent much of friends, but one day something terrible happened. lots of things in life are difficult and when things dont go our way, we tend to get unhappy... when feelings inside us arent let out to leave they build up inside and can eat you alive. this girl and i, i thought we had nothing in common, when in sense...we do...this girl and i have or have had a broken heart and the terrible feelings that can tear you apart...

so this girl and i are talking and i know we feel bad, and she tells me you know, im going to feel bad again but right now...im going to concentrate on being happy. and i said yes that makes sense...and what i realized when she said that was through pain its best to try and be happy, and even though you know you will continue to hurt for a while its best to try and be happy...

im totally there but i want to let it out that though its better to try nd be happy, never keep your feelings caught up inside of you too long...ive done that alot and it only comes back to hurt more...but know time will heal all the pain and trusting god to help set you in the path he wants you to go down will help. if i didnt have god throuhg all the stuff i have been through id be completely lost.

so this girl and i are now good friends and i feel like i can talk to her, and though its only been a couple of days...i feel like she could be one of my safe people and that helps to know that. so to this girl...thank you so much. and thank you to all my safe people, peyt, kell, nesha... and more recently audrey, thank you for begining someone im comforatable enough to talk to and be myself around cuz that doesnt happen often...

so this girl and i, sitting on a couch disscussing our feelings and i...to be honest, im so glad i met you. im happy that we went through all this crap bcuz god knew it would happen this way and though it hurt i can honestly say im happy it was that way because i got to know you for who you are and in he end you became my friend :)

so this girl and i, we are crazy, coo-koo, and we get along...and shes my friend...

oh and she took the shot glasses back...

i love my safe people :)

i needed to blog...

this is crazy, im hanging with someone ive never thought id be hanging out with :) and im actually pretty happy with it...what sukks is going through hard memories and reliving the past to go over and over and try to make these things work and ...i think its killing me to hear things like this and i feel like breaking down but i cant...in my world its not allowed..., i hate myself for believing lies and letting stuff get in the way of me actually seeing the real you...i want so bad to be done but i dont know what else i can do...i want you to be apart of his life but you just have this thing in your mind that prohibits you from growing up and caring...im at a point where im so tired of all the bullshit this is bringing on my life and i just...something in me tells me no and something tells me go...question is...which road do i take?

To shine upon and give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to direct and guide our feet in a straight line into the way of peace. Luke 1: 79

But when He, the Spirit of Truth (the Truth-giving Spirit) comes, He will guide you into all the Truth (the whole, full Truth). For He will not speak His own message [on His own authority]; but He will tell whatever He hears [from the Father; He will give the message that has been given to Him], and He will announce and declare to you the things that are to come [that will happen in the future]. John 16: 13

A man's mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure. Proverbs 16: 9

ive finally figured it out...

so yes, i do over-shadow my son. he falls over from a standing position, he falls over a couple inches off something, he trips and rolls off of something, he hits his head, any little thing that hurts him i wanna jump in the car and drive to the emergency room and yell at the doctors to do something. and as a parent i get alot of negative feedback from others who think im spoiling him or trying to over power him and never let him experience hurt or pain or anything...

well i finally sat down and really thought about it and i know why im really over protective and its not a bad reason...to be truthful. i have friends who held their babies in their arms and laid them down for a nap and their children never woke up. ive heard of people who wait to take their kids in to the doctor for something as small as what seems like an ear infection and a couple of days later theyve died of menegitis...so many scary stories about women losing their little ones and im scared...

i lay kaevyan down for a nap and check on him almost every 20 minutes and still feel bad cause its not often enough...he plays on a small matress on the floor which is less then a half foot drop and he will roll off, and i literally will sprint for him to pick him up and cuddle, just to be sure he is ok...i get frusterated with people when i mention that i want to take kaevyan to the dr cause he just doesnt look ok or act ok and people tell me its ok tyasia im sure he is fine...im SCARED...

im so scared of losing my little boy. i know to some people this sounds stupid but since everyone wants to know why im all over the poor kid when he bumps his head or trips and falls thats why. and im not sorry...i love my son. and ive almost lost him once...

i refuse to let anything get in the way of him livng a healthy life again....i know, if i lost kaevyan. i would cease to exsist, because with out my kaevyan i am NOTHING...

Can You hear yourselves???

ok, some of you girls need to hear this lol

"ok you guys all really have serious probs lol. i breastfeed only with my almost 1 yr old son, and so no i NEVER go out without him. now some of you guys are really dumb. it is ok for moms to go out. not all the time but maybe once a week or every two weeks sure...no one is a bad mom cause they wanna get out. in the same sense no one is a bad mom or a good mom if they stay in 24/7 with their kid. being a good mom should be determined with how you RAISE your child. if you think you are doing the best as you can its no one elses business what your doing. now we all can make judgments about it but its not our life so stop trying to change others lives. there is no need for that shit. when it comes to getting a job no one can decide whe yur ready to leave your kid and do that except you. now its safe to say ALL of us need to grow up to an extent, (i mean hello we are argueing opinions on this girls status!!!! so lets just get over ourselves k? i mean you dont like the way someone parents their child then go hve your own children and teach them the way you want it done. :D"

the way i see it, its not up to me to tell you what kinda job your doing. parenting is a job in itself. i say do the best you can and then screw what people say, cuz at the end of the day. people...are just people

lost

so thats my mood, how i feel...lost. i feel like today has just been a day in which im not into it...i get up in the morning and just go through the motions...i dont feel like anyone understands. what i have decided today has determined the rest of my life. i used to think i couldnt do this alone and hell im sure ill have more days in which ive been driven to the groud, but i cant change that. a girl once told me, tommorow will be better. i thought to myself oh she doesnt know that...tommorw will be the same. the same hurt and the same feelings until i found this...(Isaiah 58:8 NKJV) Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily, And your righteousness shall go before you; The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.to me, this is the meaning on tommorrow will be better. to me it says tonight when i go to sleep and through the night and in the morning when i wake god will be taking my problems and my sorrow and all the hurt and fear of my past week and he will show me the path for tommorw in which there will be no more sadness and fear...if only id let him.

honest...i have a problem with letting go. when someone saids something mean and hurtful i feel i should retaliate and most of the time i do...except today. i want very bad to let go of everything and give it to god, and when i think ive done just that, i wake up and there are new troubles right as soon as i get out of bed and then thoughts of my old troubles come back...and it gets to the point where i cant feel god. its like im buried beneath all my problems and troubles and fears...i was on the internet reading up on a sermen id seen that looked close to the problems id been having and the message was simply this: total honesty before God is the deepest expression of faith in Him and is the only way to be authentically human in God’s world. It is the only path to spiritual wholeness, and the only way to heal the hurts of the past.

i had to read this a couple of times to get it through but i got there. i need spiritual wholeness. and to be honest...i dont know how i can get to it...but when i get there ill let you know...

i feel like im traveling at speeds of 10 2mph and everything is going by so fast, yet when i stop to think i dont know where i am. i need god right now, but ...i dont feel him. i keep thinking its something im doing wrong ... but i dont know what...

and yes...

i am clumsy, and ditsy, and dumb sometimes and yup i do somethings sometimes that arent very smart.... but i know whats best for me and my lil boy. cuz ima mommy. and its knowing whats best for me and my son that keeps me going...its the new first words and the KISSES, the smacks in the face and the throw up on my brand new shoes. its the knowing that i dont need to wear make up anymore to feel pretty. its the cups of coffee and how funny it is when you crawl away real fast cuz you know your in trouble...its the days when i feel like i need him again and the days when i know we've never been better off without him. its all the HALF-eaten toliet paper shredded down the hall and the mountain of baby clothes and toys that now take up the ENTIRETY of my room. its the choking on every little thing you place in your mouth that scares the shit outa me. its the faces and expressions that are so DARN amazing. its the way you make me SMILE. its the crumbled up saltines on my lap and the the round of applause you gives yourself after im all messy. its the bubble baths where you smear the bubbles in my face because you are trying to share with me. its your OUTRAGEOUS medical bills. its YOU my sweet baby FACE, its EVERYTHING about my son that makes me feel...everything that makes me care in life. Xa'Kaevyan Kohl, you are my EVERYTHING. always have been and ALWAYS will be. I LOVE you son. I hope everyday that you get older, you always know i will always be there for you :D
You are my entire LIFE.
Without you, i am NOTHING...

what i do best...

to me, being my sons mother is my life. and life seems to be a job to me... when i think about the people who are always asking when im ever going to get a real job...you know one where i leave my son somewhere and go work for hours at a time and then come home later and not seeing him all day...the answer is idk... to me being my sons mom is my job. going out and actually having to work several hours and not see him all day is torture and hell. its unfamiliar and its hard to place myself in that kind of situation...i can see myself working the rest of my life being my sons mom, cause its what i do best. its what im good at. im not good at working @ resturaunts or department stores or coffee shops...but im good at being kaevyans mom. being a mom is all i know... i know i need to start thinking about my future and getting a real part-time job but theres so many things i have to do to get to that point and it feels like so much and i shut down...kaevyan keeps me sane... how can i leave my lifeline and not see him for hours at a time...how can i not feed him...if i want to still breastfeed that means pumping, and filling frezzer bags and storing and getting up super early to breastfeed before i leave andmaking sure he is full and comfortable, that means pack the diaper bag for stuff my grandma would need and making sure she has his favorite toys, and all of his medicine and all the instructions that go will his medicines...and that means her knowing that he is a snacker and has no set mealtimes and when hes hungry, restless, tired, whiney, when he wants to be held and when he scratches someones chest, he hungry and to feed him, and when he gets hurt and im there the first thing i do is put him to my breast and just lay him there, cause its not just his food, but the skin contact is a source of comfort to a baby since they were born and forever more whats gunna comfort him the way hims mommy does?...that means pumping enough to try and meet his need without knowing his need of how much cuz hes only ever been fed by breast. and my son cries when i take two steps away from him. he is a very high-need babyand he is a very big clinger... how can i walk out the door when he cries after just two steps..and when he is ready to sleep you have to lay him down on a bed and feed him to sleep...thats the only way he will sleep... unless you wanna hold him the entire time...i dont want to leave my son. excpecailly not before he is one...i refuse to leave him before he is one. that is my condition and im sticking to it...but its gunna be hard to stick to a resolution after that. cause he will always be my baby...and i dont wanna leave my life with anyone...how does anyone have the strength to let go of what they do best and try something new???

what id like in a guy *update*

ive posted before on the traits id liketo see in a guy i might date...it wasnt until recently that she hit me, what i need most in a uy, is a man who loves gd the way i do. now i know half of you people are rolling your eyes thinking ive done had a baby and other such bad stuff but yet your here to preach...but m not preaching. wht ever god has planned for my life, he wanted Kaevyan in it. so he is here...and im realizing, what ineed most in any guy who want to be a part of our life is a man who enjoys serving the ord, and knows he himsef is intamite with god. a great friend and a specailperson once told me, there int a way to be intimate with others until you can be fuly intimate with god. so while i work on that...i know aftr i got pregnant , i kinda lost sight in my christianity...but im getting there. step by step and one day at a time

Dear Xa'Kaevyan...

so as i pointed out today in my status and mood, You, my precious boy, learned to clap yesterday and your now 9 months old :) my gorgeous boy...in your baby book i remember talking to cory about it, but in the very back theres a place for mommy to write a letter to you and a place for daddy to write a letter to you...and though my letter will be close to a gbazillion pages long i always want you to know...you are the best miracle ive ever been blessed with Xa'Kaevyan Kohl Carpenter...out of all the choices ive made for my life, i would never not even once think about taking you back...i would go through all the hurt and the pain and the sleepless nights and i smile now as i remember and i know, you my angel bear are worth it all. i honestly didnt think i could ever love someone as i love you...when i try and look to the future i see so many different roads ahead, and im trying with gods help to stay on the path that shows the best life for you......cory once suggested to me, adoption...and no sooner did he get the first syllabe out i wanted to jump over that seat and strangle him. i believe now that as much as he says it was only what he thought was best, i really think he was trying to have you gone so he wouldnt hve to think about you...i would tell you that he wants to see you and be around you but id be lying...if he wanted to be within any perimeter of you he would come see you...but he doesnt. i know he loves you...but he is still growig into his role and maybe one day he will be better suited for it...as for me, the first sonogram i laid eyes on to, i knew you would always be mine. and when you were born, god gave me you healthy...and hes been gracious enough to bless me with you, the only man who will ever carry the entirety of my heart and soul. and ive been there to watch out for you and pick you up at every tiny whimper and give you baths when you were congested and cradle you against me and know your my forever. its been very hard, living in this very confusing state of mind that i let my life pass me by just to have you but in truth, as god tells me time and time again, i made the right chioce and you Xa'Kaevyan Kohl are my life...i Love you son.

Your mom
Tyasia.S.C (better known as Xa'Kaevyans Mommy)

grrr, due to mystatus >:( i am so mad *VENT*

so my grandma goes to work monday-friday either 7 or 7:30...depending on what time shes called...ok monday morning is a 7o clock morning...so shes waking me up and shes mad cuz im not jumping up at the sound of her toot right? what person would, excpecailly a person like me??? who had just spent half the night awake with a baby? anywho, so after she leaves my bedroom she says something abut 10 minutes...well i got up real fast and threw some clothes on, wake up kaevyan put some random clothes on him thinking ill just change him when i get to christys....then i walk out into the living room, and nesha (our apartment mate) says wheres your grandma? and i look around and notice, shes gone....and she took the only other phone so if anything happens to me or kaevyan today no one will know cuz i have no means of communication!!!! so now im very highly pissed off. ticked, agitated, and any other word you wanna think of....and ima stay that way until i cant lay my son back down since it was useless waking up the beast and try and find so time for me since i went through all this shit this morning...FOR NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:( >:( >:( >:( GRRRRRR

Last Night, thank you :)

anyone can read bt this post is expecailly for - if i txtd you or talkd to you at all last night about my pepa& prayer, please read, this is 4 u




no one looks forward to death. but ive been a couple feet away from it...and if you dont fear death it is peaceful...easy. when your fear death and are scared...its painful. you feel it, like a weight that crushes down, for me it was like watching my life fall apart...thinking im really to young to die. i still have college to go to, my son to raise, people who count on me...earlier this year, id lost touch with my christianity and if id have died i honestly dont know where i would've gone...but god saved my life. he kept me here because it wasnt my time...re-living that expeirience with the upcoming first birthday in loom and of course just the day to day look back and its a terrible thing to plague my self with everday...i know that when my grandfather does die he will go straight to heavan...but im not ready to lose him...he maybe ready but im being selfish...my reminders of what happened to me are what fuel my fear of death...i talked to a close friend, one of the last ones i have left and he made me realize putting myself and my sicknesss last wont help, i need myself healthy for to raise my son properly...he helps ease my fear but death still looms in the back of mind...


my grandfather is doing alot better, though he isnt in the best shape, he is in a better condition than earlier and id like to take a moment to thank some people for their prayers...

a specail thanks to Miranda and kelei, thank you for always being the one to make me laugh even when i felt shitty, if you were a guy...oh man lol, thanks to peyton who has been my best friend since grade school, Jade my god-sister, Ashley Haley and her family, Christy and Tam whom i have grown very close to, Lorna - Javis mommy, Mandy- J.babys mommy and another close friendof mine, Kaylee crabtree whom is an important part of me too, whether its acknowledged or not, Manisha and Tamar- friends from pittsburg :), Karissa and Rakayah-karissa who is also like my sister, Kayla Schooch- a wonderful mother and has assured me she will always be there if prayer and comfort is needed, Karee, and Chasity Jameshia for being the very first person to express her willingness to comfort a complete stranger :) and to the others who acknowledged the text but didnt reply for some reason or another i still thank you for acknowledging the text, everyones prayers and comfort are what keep me strong,

and though i just asked prayer for my grandfathr, i ask you guys now simply for prayers for myself...im going through my own rut and i need guidance and knowledge...

thank you everyone. i am so so so blessed to have people like you guys in my life. may god bless you a thousand times in return :)

ps- only if i was neglagent and forgot your name and you texted or called me back regarding a text like this and i didnt include your name, message me and your name will be added...

really need to cry this one out...

so these past few days ive been super emotional. i keep crying and,... i feel so bad because idky im that upset. so ive figured it out. someone suggested i was begining to finally have postpartum depression, (i had a lil of that in the hospital) and i just need some time, but after talking to a friend and joining my ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network ) Chapter in Roanoke. i am healing. my cesearean section was a terrifying, and painful memory and that as much as i would like for it to fade, i have a permenant scar to look down upon, that may affect if i will ever be able to have children naturally... ive been told instead of saying its already been 7 months i should look at it like its only been 7 months.i havent really given myself any time physically or emotionally to heal from a major pain in my life.
I am mad at myself for going along with induction without knowing all the facts...i am mad at myself for being mad at myself...i hate my labor with a passion...i love my son though. and my c-section saved his life and mine...im the luckiest person alive to have such a wonderful and beautiful angel...but i still cant get over hating my labor... so as much as it hurts im trying...i need support and for some reason all the people who are supposed to help me through the hard times in my life, cant realize how bad or how much ive been hurt and they dont realize that what they are doing to me, ...only hurts more... so to the people who get where im coming from and your doing better...id like to know...how do you do it? how do you hold it in?
its not hard to hold all the pain you really feel inside your body...
what hurts is when it all comes spilling out for everyone to see...
well i cant do it anymore...
thanks...i guess i just really needed that out...

ok so i feel bad about this but anyone else feel this way?

this is mainly a post for c-section mommies... most people know, if youve read my blog i had a hard, scary labor which ended in an emergency c-section. i dont in any way hate my son for being born via c-section and i know this is a little dumb feeling this way when it was 7 months ago and i should be over it but...i kinda hate myself...like, i wasnt perfect when i was pregnant, i skipped plenty prenatal vitamins, i missed 2 doctors appointments i never reschedualded, i only gained 12 pounds which is lower than the recommended amount of weight to gain for patients many years ago when some doctors only thought 15 pounds was an ideal weight gain, i was way active at the end of my pregnancy instead of taking it easy...i just feel like its my fault for having a labor like i did...i have never had a problem with the way i look...and now with my scar...i feel so down and just generally not happy :( has any c-section mommys had feelings like this? or is it really just me?

rain rain, come and stay...

just thinking...there is so much to think about these days...Kaevyan...he is 6 months 3 weeks and 2 days old....when he was born he was my tiny little miracle baby... now he is my big bundle of joy... he weighs a little over 20 pounds now...still breastfed, but i am kinda slowly starting him on a little bit of solids but i know he isnt ready to give up breastfeeding and im not going to be selfish and take his "noos noos" away from him. you know what im tirred of? opinions...i didnt ask for your opinion, i askd for advice...advice no one can give cuz they dont know the situaation... im so tired....if i had to actually write down the story for you it would take a 75 chapter, 12point font in times new roman, single spaced in writing book with at least 3 sequels to do it any dent of justice...our story is one i will treasure through the good times and bad, the happy and sad, the truth and the bullshit...but mayb everyone is right...mayb it is time to write the end of this chapter close the book and never look back...maybe i should write a new story about me and my son...its all up to you...i love you, as my first love and the father of my child...that fact will never change but as for me moving on...only you can decide that... im waiting...but not for long.... hmmm it is gunna rain tomorrow and i really love the rain :(