blogged about life these days. between deciding what to do for my son and working to get stuff for him and losing my pepa, and all the crazy other junk, crap, shit in my life. i havent been a very good Tyasia...
update on Kaevyan: he is a runner, and i think he may write with his left hand and do everything else, with his right. he is big on kisses nowadays and i think he is obsessed with Jacob :)
update on me:
everything lately has me struggling. getting up in the morning (if it was for kaevyan beating me in the face and his kisses i wouldnt) and going to bed at night...its like a constant torture. i dont have anyone to talk to about how i really feel. because if i open up, then i feel like everyone is judging me. there is no one who understands and everyone who thinks they do. i just...dont feel like me....
i dont feel depressed but i feel...like im not Tyasia...im not happy. im having to try really hard just to keep from crying in all my spare moments. everything hurts, every word, people, the things they say... things that can never be taken back. and i felt like i finally had someone to talk to but they dissappeared. im confused and i get mad at everything, things i usually laugh at, now i cry. its like ppd all over again but for no reason.
i feel...lonley. i feel strong sometimes, and i know im a good mother, but then things happen, people say things, they show you who they really are...and i feel like nobody. i know i know. my son thinks im somebody. my son loves me, he is my one and only i love him more than ANYTHING ELSE on the planet. and sometimes i feel as if, my life is perfect. theres nothing wrong. no problems, no insecurities, no bad blood, no nothing. but then all the memories come back and i feel a peice of me break each time.
im am so sick and so tired of breaking...everyone else gets to be happy...
so where the hell is my happy ending?
update on Kaevyan: he is a runner, and i think he may write with his left hand and do everything else, with his right. he is big on kisses nowadays and i think he is obsessed with Jacob :)
update on me:
everything lately has me struggling. getting up in the morning (if it was for kaevyan beating me in the face and his kisses i wouldnt) and going to bed at night...its like a constant torture. i dont have anyone to talk to about how i really feel. because if i open up, then i feel like everyone is judging me. there is no one who understands and everyone who thinks they do. i just...dont feel like me....
i dont feel depressed but i feel...like im not Tyasia...im not happy. im having to try really hard just to keep from crying in all my spare moments. everything hurts, every word, people, the things they say... things that can never be taken back. and i felt like i finally had someone to talk to but they dissappeared. im confused and i get mad at everything, things i usually laugh at, now i cry. its like ppd all over again but for no reason.
i feel...lonley. i feel strong sometimes, and i know im a good mother, but then things happen, people say things, they show you who they really are...and i feel like nobody. i know i know. my son thinks im somebody. my son loves me, he is my one and only i love him more than ANYTHING ELSE on the planet. and sometimes i feel as if, my life is perfect. theres nothing wrong. no problems, no insecurities, no bad blood, no nothing. but then all the memories come back and i feel a peice of me break each time.
im am so sick and so tired of breaking...everyone else gets to be happy...
so where the hell is my happy ending?
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