just because...

i wanted to blog...just because.

im riding on one a those emotional roller coasters

they sukk, bad :(

im happy...

im sad...

i just wanted to say.... well hell, i dont know what i wanted to say. i have a headache and i dont really know how i feel anymore, getting online tommorrow just to talk to him

i have new pics just havent gotten around to posting...

which NO, isnt like me at all...but then im not myself today...or anyday for that matter.


i keep looking around the room, trying to find something to say to you people and im not getting anything...so i guess ima go to bed, ilyilyily becasue you cant ever say it enough...

(iN oTHer NewS: still have bout 100 bucks to go to finish kaevyans party supply list... kaevyan is now trying to run and trips over his own feet daily :) lol. im laughing more and crying less and i take that as a good sign. im kinda bakk. not all the way but im getting there. im going to the dr tommorrow to talk to him about the aneimia...and it turns out i am human... :(awe man)[lol] so that means i do make mistakes but ive learned that once something is said, you cant just take it bakk. which is why im forgiving him and letting it go...for good. since im human i also know that i say things alot and sometimes i want to go bakk but this time im pretty sure im done lol...i need to focus on what i can do to make my son have the best life...im a pretty good mommy i must admit...am kinda down in my social life. i feel that slippin away again...dont know if that makes me happy or what??)

anyways goodnight people. ily and i lovelovelove my son. leave me love :)

sometimes i smile...for you

You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes

You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile
* my son is my best friend. he makes me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a sunday night. He makes me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee. just the thought of him drives me wild. My son makes me smile*

-Xa'Kaevyan, carry my heart. take care of it because its yours. as hard as i try...ill never be the PERFECT mom. but just the simple fact that i try is more than most. Your mommys baby boy, now and forever. when i hear this song, i think of you and the things i do for you. like dance with you at night to get you tired, sing to you, even though i dont sing in front of anyone. the way you push me outa the bed in the morning cause darn it, your ready to get up. the bubbly baths when you pick the scent.

and believe it or not, the manymanymany things you do for me. Everything about you, the funny 4 teeth smile, the kisses, when you try to blow on my belly like i do yours, the way you run away when youve put toliet paper in your mouth and i chase after you and you fall down and try to cover your face and hide. the way you run from the vaccum cleaner when i turn it on. crawling under chairs to get to the computer cord to cut off the computer when you think i should pay attention to you (attention hog lol) the way you sit on my lap, grab my face and actually have conversations with me. the way you eat your sucker, and then put it on my nose when you want to share.

i love you so much. your the greatest. i cant believe your already 1 (in 19 days) and its really already been a year. im happy that we have made it so far and there will be manymanymany more birthdays to share with me. but in a way, im sad. im scared to realize that one day you will be a grown man...and ill be old...

mommy loves her facers right now, cause who knows how long your gunna be my facers, i know oone day your gunna want me to call you by your name or some crazy nickname your friends will give you...but you will always be mommas face.

love, mom

im...sorry

blogged about life these days. between deciding what to do for my son and working to get stuff for him and losing my pepa, and all the crazy other junk, crap, shit in my life. i havent been a very good Tyasia...

update on Kaevyan: he is a runner, and i think he may write with his left hand and do everything else, with his right. he is big on kisses nowadays and i think he is obsessed with Jacob :)

update on me:
everything lately has me struggling. getting up in the morning (if it was for kaevyan beating me in the face and his kisses i wouldnt) and going to bed at night...its like a constant torture. i dont have anyone to talk to about how i really feel. because if i open up, then i feel like everyone is judging me. there is no one who understands and everyone who thinks they do. i just...dont feel like me....

i dont feel depressed but i feel...like im not Tyasia...im not happy. im having to try really hard just to keep from crying in all my spare moments. everything hurts, every word, people, the things they say... things that can never be taken back. and i felt like i finally had someone to talk to but they dissappeared. im confused and i get mad at everything, things i usually laugh at, now i cry. its like ppd all over again but for no reason.

i feel...lonley. i feel strong sometimes, and i know im a good mother, but then things happen, people say things, they show you who they really are...and i feel like nobody. i know i know. my son thinks im somebody. my son loves me, he is my one and only i love him more than ANYTHING ELSE on the planet. and sometimes i feel as if, my life is perfect. theres nothing wrong. no problems, no insecurities, no bad blood, no nothing. but then all the memories come back and i feel a peice of me break each time.

im am so sick and so tired of breaking...everyone else gets to be happy...

so where the hell is my happy ending?

how???

how???
so the other night i posted about how my bed almost caught fire with my son and i still in it... was it a sign from god. id think yes, others no...heres how it happened...



well i was getting ready for bed, kaevyan was already asleep and i was getting the blankets ready for bed, im always cold at night so i sleep with the electric blanket and when its on it has a little orange light that comes on ...well i had everything set up and i was just plugging the end cord into the blanket and i saw this little orange spark come from within the cord/plug part and at first i thought it was just the orange on light so i was gunna ignore it and go to bed but instead something told me to go ahead and unplug it, so i unpluged it and tried to re-plug it until i realized its was a spark that had caught a little flame on the end of the bed so i quickly got up and put it out...and to think if i wouldave ignored the little voice in my head...i might not be here right now...

why i do it...

yes, my son will be one next month. yes i am planning on continuing to breastfeed. no it doesnt bother me. what? it bothers you??? well thats too damn bad.

why i breastfeed: no i wasnt breastfed, but when i first got pregnant i knew breastfeeding was for me, didnt have any weird feelings about it, its just what had to happen. from the get-go all i got were negative reactions, and sarcastic tones. but i ignored my audience and went with what i knew would be the right thing...

i didnt know what to expect when kaevyan had his first feeding. but i know i didnt expect it to be so painful. but he caught on quickly and baby boy and i established the most amazing bond that i never wouldave expected to go this far...

back when i didnt have a clue about life and how hard it is being a single young mom, if you told me i was going to breastfeed straight through the entire first year, i wouldave laughed and called you crazy, yet here i am, one month away from the first year and now im fighting to explain to everyone why im NOT STOPPING at 1 year.

i could throw a bunch of studies and statistics and things like that at you...but no matter what the benefits are, over all. i am breastfeeding my son because its what he wants and its what i want and he isnt ready to have no more yums and im not ready to break that bond. and i dont care that i need to let go, and i dont care that he is getting too big, and i dont care that he has teeth and can eat table food and drink from a sippy, and i dont care that you think im a bad mom because you think bfing beyond 1 year is just a sickening form of child abuse.

bfing is a beautiful, selfless, innocent, precious bond that only a mother and her child can share, and its not up to ANYONE to say, you should stop because of this many reasons...its not up to you. its up to my son. and me

so i commend the moms (excpecailly the young moms) who fight through the negative comments and the stares and the hurtful condesending words and actions of others, i commend those of you who know exactly what bfing is and love it, it makes you proud. nevernevernver be ashamed of the fact you breastfeed. never run and hide, never. Breastfeeding is a natural part of life...and i will be so happy when americans finally realize that...