what i do best...

to me, being my sons mother is my life. and life seems to be a job to me... when i think about the people who are always asking when im ever going to get a real job...you know one where i leave my son somewhere and go work for hours at a time and then come home later and not seeing him all day...the answer is idk... to me being my sons mom is my job. going out and actually having to work several hours and not see him all day is torture and hell. its unfamiliar and its hard to place myself in that kind of situation...i can see myself working the rest of my life being my sons mom, cause its what i do best. its what im good at. im not good at working @ resturaunts or department stores or coffee shops...but im good at being kaevyans mom. being a mom is all i know... i know i need to start thinking about my future and getting a real part-time job but theres so many things i have to do to get to that point and it feels like so much and i shut down...kaevyan keeps me sane... how can i leave my lifeline and not see him for hours at a time...how can i not feed him...if i want to still breastfeed that means pumping, and filling frezzer bags and storing and getting up super early to breastfeed before i leave andmaking sure he is full and comfortable, that means pack the diaper bag for stuff my grandma would need and making sure she has his favorite toys, and all of his medicine and all the instructions that go will his medicines...and that means her knowing that he is a snacker and has no set mealtimes and when hes hungry, restless, tired, whiney, when he wants to be held and when he scratches someones chest, he hungry and to feed him, and when he gets hurt and im there the first thing i do is put him to my breast and just lay him there, cause its not just his food, but the skin contact is a source of comfort to a baby since they were born and forever more whats gunna comfort him the way hims mommy does?...that means pumping enough to try and meet his need without knowing his need of how much cuz hes only ever been fed by breast. and my son cries when i take two steps away from him. he is a very high-need babyand he is a very big clinger... how can i walk out the door when he cries after just two steps..and when he is ready to sleep you have to lay him down on a bed and feed him to sleep...thats the only way he will sleep... unless you wanna hold him the entire time...i dont want to leave my son. excpecailly not before he is one...i refuse to leave him before he is one. that is my condition and im sticking to it...but its gunna be hard to stick to a resolution after that. cause he will always be my baby...and i dont wanna leave my life with anyone...how does anyone have the strength to let go of what they do best and try something new???