and yes...

i am clumsy, and ditsy, and dumb sometimes and yup i do somethings sometimes that arent very smart.... but i know whats best for me and my lil boy. cuz ima mommy. and its knowing whats best for me and my son that keeps me going...its the new first words and the KISSES, the smacks in the face and the throw up on my brand new shoes. its the knowing that i dont need to wear make up anymore to feel pretty. its the cups of coffee and how funny it is when you crawl away real fast cuz you know your in trouble...its the days when i feel like i need him again and the days when i know we've never been better off without him. its all the HALF-eaten toliet paper shredded down the hall and the mountain of baby clothes and toys that now take up the ENTIRETY of my room. its the choking on every little thing you place in your mouth that scares the shit outa me. its the faces and expressions that are so DARN amazing. its the way you make me SMILE. its the crumbled up saltines on my lap and the the round of applause you gives yourself after im all messy. its the bubble baths where you smear the bubbles in my face because you are trying to share with me. its your OUTRAGEOUS medical bills. its YOU my sweet baby FACE, its EVERYTHING about my son that makes me feel...everything that makes me care in life. Xa'Kaevyan Kohl, you are my EVERYTHING. always have been and ALWAYS will be. I LOVE you son. I hope everyday that you get older, you always know i will always be there for you :D
You are my entire LIFE.
Without you, i am NOTHING...

what i do best...

to me, being my sons mother is my life. and life seems to be a job to me... when i think about the people who are always asking when im ever going to get a real job...you know one where i leave my son somewhere and go work for hours at a time and then come home later and not seeing him all day...the answer is idk... to me being my sons mom is my job. going out and actually having to work several hours and not see him all day is torture and hell. its unfamiliar and its hard to place myself in that kind of situation...i can see myself working the rest of my life being my sons mom, cause its what i do best. its what im good at. im not good at working @ resturaunts or department stores or coffee shops...but im good at being kaevyans mom. being a mom is all i know... i know i need to start thinking about my future and getting a real part-time job but theres so many things i have to do to get to that point and it feels like so much and i shut down...kaevyan keeps me sane... how can i leave my lifeline and not see him for hours at a time...how can i not feed him...if i want to still breastfeed that means pumping, and filling frezzer bags and storing and getting up super early to breastfeed before i leave andmaking sure he is full and comfortable, that means pack the diaper bag for stuff my grandma would need and making sure she has his favorite toys, and all of his medicine and all the instructions that go will his medicines...and that means her knowing that he is a snacker and has no set mealtimes and when hes hungry, restless, tired, whiney, when he wants to be held and when he scratches someones chest, he hungry and to feed him, and when he gets hurt and im there the first thing i do is put him to my breast and just lay him there, cause its not just his food, but the skin contact is a source of comfort to a baby since they were born and forever more whats gunna comfort him the way hims mommy does?...that means pumping enough to try and meet his need without knowing his need of how much cuz hes only ever been fed by breast. and my son cries when i take two steps away from him. he is a very high-need babyand he is a very big clinger... how can i walk out the door when he cries after just two steps..and when he is ready to sleep you have to lay him down on a bed and feed him to sleep...thats the only way he will sleep... unless you wanna hold him the entire time...i dont want to leave my son. excpecailly not before he is one...i refuse to leave him before he is one. that is my condition and im sticking to it...but its gunna be hard to stick to a resolution after that. cause he will always be my baby...and i dont wanna leave my life with anyone...how does anyone have the strength to let go of what they do best and try something new???

what id like in a guy *update*

ive posted before on the traits id liketo see in a guy i might date...it wasnt until recently that she hit me, what i need most in a uy, is a man who loves gd the way i do. now i know half of you people are rolling your eyes thinking ive done had a baby and other such bad stuff but yet your here to preach...but m not preaching. wht ever god has planned for my life, he wanted Kaevyan in it. so he is here...and im realizing, what ineed most in any guy who want to be a part of our life is a man who enjoys serving the ord, and knows he himsef is intamite with god. a great friend and a specailperson once told me, there int a way to be intimate with others until you can be fuly intimate with god. so while i work on that...i know aftr i got pregnant , i kinda lost sight in my christianity...but im getting there. step by step and one day at a time

Dear Xa'Kaevyan...

so as i pointed out today in my status and mood, You, my precious boy, learned to clap yesterday and your now 9 months old :) my gorgeous boy...in your baby book i remember talking to cory about it, but in the very back theres a place for mommy to write a letter to you and a place for daddy to write a letter to you...and though my letter will be close to a gbazillion pages long i always want you to know...you are the best miracle ive ever been blessed with Xa'Kaevyan Kohl Carpenter...out of all the choices ive made for my life, i would never not even once think about taking you back...i would go through all the hurt and the pain and the sleepless nights and i smile now as i remember and i know, you my angel bear are worth it all. i honestly didnt think i could ever love someone as i love you...when i try and look to the future i see so many different roads ahead, and im trying with gods help to stay on the path that shows the best life for you......cory once suggested to me, adoption...and no sooner did he get the first syllabe out i wanted to jump over that seat and strangle him. i believe now that as much as he says it was only what he thought was best, i really think he was trying to have you gone so he wouldnt hve to think about you...i would tell you that he wants to see you and be around you but id be lying...if he wanted to be within any perimeter of you he would come see you...but he doesnt. i know he loves you...but he is still growig into his role and maybe one day he will be better suited for it...as for me, the first sonogram i laid eyes on to, i knew you would always be mine. and when you were born, god gave me you healthy...and hes been gracious enough to bless me with you, the only man who will ever carry the entirety of my heart and soul. and ive been there to watch out for you and pick you up at every tiny whimper and give you baths when you were congested and cradle you against me and know your my forever. its been very hard, living in this very confusing state of mind that i let my life pass me by just to have you but in truth, as god tells me time and time again, i made the right chioce and you Xa'Kaevyan Kohl are my life...i Love you son.

Your mom
Tyasia.S.C (better known as Xa'Kaevyans Mommy)

grrr, due to mystatus >:( i am so mad *VENT*

so my grandma goes to work monday-friday either 7 or 7:30...depending on what time shes called...ok monday morning is a 7o clock morning...so shes waking me up and shes mad cuz im not jumping up at the sound of her toot right? what person would, excpecailly a person like me??? who had just spent half the night awake with a baby? anywho, so after she leaves my bedroom she says something abut 10 minutes...well i got up real fast and threw some clothes on, wake up kaevyan put some random clothes on him thinking ill just change him when i get to christys....then i walk out into the living room, and nesha (our apartment mate) says wheres your grandma? and i look around and notice, shes gone....and she took the only other phone so if anything happens to me or kaevyan today no one will know cuz i have no means of communication!!!! so now im very highly pissed off. ticked, agitated, and any other word you wanna think of....and ima stay that way until i cant lay my son back down since it was useless waking up the beast and try and find so time for me since i went through all this shit this morning...FOR NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:( >:( >:( >:( GRRRRRR

Last Night, thank you :)

anyone can read bt this post is expecailly for - if i txtd you or talkd to you at all last night about my pepa& prayer, please read, this is 4 u




no one looks forward to death. but ive been a couple feet away from it...and if you dont fear death it is peaceful...easy. when your fear death and are scared...its painful. you feel it, like a weight that crushes down, for me it was like watching my life fall apart...thinking im really to young to die. i still have college to go to, my son to raise, people who count on me...earlier this year, id lost touch with my christianity and if id have died i honestly dont know where i would've gone...but god saved my life. he kept me here because it wasnt my time...re-living that expeirience with the upcoming first birthday in loom and of course just the day to day look back and its a terrible thing to plague my self with everday...i know that when my grandfather does die he will go straight to heavan...but im not ready to lose him...he maybe ready but im being selfish...my reminders of what happened to me are what fuel my fear of death...i talked to a close friend, one of the last ones i have left and he made me realize putting myself and my sicknesss last wont help, i need myself healthy for to raise my son properly...he helps ease my fear but death still looms in the back of mind...


my grandfather is doing alot better, though he isnt in the best shape, he is in a better condition than earlier and id like to take a moment to thank some people for their prayers...

a specail thanks to Miranda and kelei, thank you for always being the one to make me laugh even when i felt shitty, if you were a guy...oh man lol, thanks to peyton who has been my best friend since grade school, Jade my god-sister, Ashley Haley and her family, Christy and Tam whom i have grown very close to, Lorna - Javis mommy, Mandy- J.babys mommy and another close friendof mine, Kaylee crabtree whom is an important part of me too, whether its acknowledged or not, Manisha and Tamar- friends from pittsburg :), Karissa and Rakayah-karissa who is also like my sister, Kayla Schooch- a wonderful mother and has assured me she will always be there if prayer and comfort is needed, Karee, and Chasity Jameshia for being the very first person to express her willingness to comfort a complete stranger :) and to the others who acknowledged the text but didnt reply for some reason or another i still thank you for acknowledging the text, everyones prayers and comfort are what keep me strong,

and though i just asked prayer for my grandfathr, i ask you guys now simply for prayers for myself...im going through my own rut and i need guidance and knowledge...

thank you everyone. i am so so so blessed to have people like you guys in my life. may god bless you a thousand times in return :)

ps- only if i was neglagent and forgot your name and you texted or called me back regarding a text like this and i didnt include your name, message me and your name will be added...

really need to cry this one out...

so these past few days ive been super emotional. i keep crying and,... i feel so bad because idky im that upset. so ive figured it out. someone suggested i was begining to finally have postpartum depression, (i had a lil of that in the hospital) and i just need some time, but after talking to a friend and joining my ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network ) Chapter in Roanoke. i am healing. my cesearean section was a terrifying, and painful memory and that as much as i would like for it to fade, i have a permenant scar to look down upon, that may affect if i will ever be able to have children naturally... ive been told instead of saying its already been 7 months i should look at it like its only been 7 months.i havent really given myself any time physically or emotionally to heal from a major pain in my life.
I am mad at myself for going along with induction without knowing all the facts...i am mad at myself for being mad at myself...i hate my labor with a passion...i love my son though. and my c-section saved his life and mine...im the luckiest person alive to have such a wonderful and beautiful angel...but i still cant get over hating my labor... so as much as it hurts im trying...i need support and for some reason all the people who are supposed to help me through the hard times in my life, cant realize how bad or how much ive been hurt and they dont realize that what they are doing to me, ...only hurts more... so to the people who get where im coming from and your doing better...id like to know...how do you do it? how do you hold it in?
its not hard to hold all the pain you really feel inside your body...
what hurts is when it all comes spilling out for everyone to see...
well i cant do it anymore...
thanks...i guess i just really needed that out...

ok so i feel bad about this but anyone else feel this way?

this is mainly a post for c-section mommies... most people know, if youve read my blog i had a hard, scary labor which ended in an emergency c-section. i dont in any way hate my son for being born via c-section and i know this is a little dumb feeling this way when it was 7 months ago and i should be over it but...i kinda hate myself...like, i wasnt perfect when i was pregnant, i skipped plenty prenatal vitamins, i missed 2 doctors appointments i never reschedualded, i only gained 12 pounds which is lower than the recommended amount of weight to gain for patients many years ago when some doctors only thought 15 pounds was an ideal weight gain, i was way active at the end of my pregnancy instead of taking it easy...i just feel like its my fault for having a labor like i did...i have never had a problem with the way i look...and now with my scar...i feel so down and just generally not happy :( has any c-section mommys had feelings like this? or is it really just me?

rain rain, come and stay...

just thinking...there is so much to think about these days...Kaevyan...he is 6 months 3 weeks and 2 days old....when he was born he was my tiny little miracle baby... now he is my big bundle of joy... he weighs a little over 20 pounds now...still breastfed, but i am kinda slowly starting him on a little bit of solids but i know he isnt ready to give up breastfeeding and im not going to be selfish and take his "noos noos" away from him. you know what im tirred of? opinions...i didnt ask for your opinion, i askd for advice...advice no one can give cuz they dont know the situaation... im so tired....if i had to actually write down the story for you it would take a 75 chapter, 12point font in times new roman, single spaced in writing book with at least 3 sequels to do it any dent of justice...our story is one i will treasure through the good times and bad, the happy and sad, the truth and the bullshit...but mayb everyone is right...mayb it is time to write the end of this chapter close the book and never look back...maybe i should write a new story about me and my son...its all up to you...i love you, as my first love and the father of my child...that fact will never change but as for me moving on...only you can decide that... im waiting...but not for long.... hmmm it is gunna rain tomorrow and i really love the rain :(